I've been avoiding this. I knew if i came back to blog i'd have to face up to where i left off. And honestly? I'd rather not. So much shit has happened from the last time i posted that i've been dreading having tae write this blog. But if i'm going to move on then it must be done. And so be it.
Over 300 emails, there were. Not anymore, i mean. It took a few weeks but i finally managed to delete them. What emails, you wonder? ..My supposible 'best friend'.. the guy i wanted to spend forever with because he was my world. And tbh, even now, i have no clue how to move on. I'm 18 years old, fae Gods sake. I'm not amaze with dealing with shitty emotions like this. He broke me. He ripped my heart out and stamped on it. Basically, he was a lying bastard. Anywho who knows me, know's i'm a pretty much internet whizz. And i thought he was too good to be true. All the lovelyness, etc.. So i IP tracked him. And found out that my loving friend who was supposed to be recuperating in Holland from having cancer fae around 3 years is actually no where near the Netherlands, well. Unless you class London as close.
There. Happy? I'm not. Just sat here typing to myself about how i fucked up, but it's probably my own fault. I let my guard down, i played with my heart on my sleeve. I let him make a fool out of me. Of course, when i confronted him about it he said i was sick, and some more petty lies. Well. I cried. Alot. I mean, he was the fucking love of my life. Then i emailed him. Alot. I just wanted to make things right. I didn't care anymore if he was lying or not, you know? I /loved/ him.. I mean, i still do. More than i care to admit, either. He never replied. Not once. Not one email. I was refreshing my inbox every five minutes, just waiting for him to pop up. To say it was okay. To tell me everything would be alright and that he would still always be here for me. He promised me that you know, he always said he would never ignore me, but i guess everything he told me was aload of bullshit. It took a few weeks after, a few days ago actually, that i finally rid my emails of any traces of him. All the emails, pictures, any literate memories that i had... Gone.
I won't lie, i still hope inside when i check my mails and i see the (1) that it'll be from him. I still fall asleep thinking of him and waking up hoping he'll have replied. I doubt he ever will. I doubt i'll ever hear from him again. Everyone makes mistakes, don't they? Just mine always seems to be emotional ones. I honestly don't know what to do without him. He made me feel like the only girl in the world. He made me feel like i could do anything. And now i feel the complete opposite. What motivation could you possibly have to do that to someone? Idk, but, even now.. I don't hate him. I could never. But this is the beginning of the end for me. He /has/ to be in the past. And this has to be the present, my future. I have to accept i now have to lead a life without him, but maybe it'll be for the best. In the end.
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