Happiness

I'm beginning to doubt if it's even real anymore. You know, the feeling to be happy :| I haven't gone to college yet again. I went at lunch yesterday and i was all for it yesterday but today... no. My mum had another massive go at me this morning. She pure hates me. She thinks i'm not going because i cba'd and cause i can't concentrate on anything else but the gardener. o__o
She was like, ''Oh it's your feelings for the GARDENER, isn't it? Is he pulling at your heart strings so much that you can't concentrate on anything else?!''
I was so fucking angry. I'm sat there in tears. It's nothing to do with the fucking gardener i'm just like physically exhausted, and i don't even know why? I have bags under my eyes. I never get bags. O_o
I feel so shit. My mum's all telling me i'm gonna drop out of college because i drop out of everything and i'm going to end up like my dad. My dad who's been on benifits forever more, no job, no fucking get up and go.
I'm telling you though my motivation has gone. Well, no. I have motivation just no get up and go. I srsly felt like topping myself this morning. My mum thinks i'm like this just because i'm lazy. It's fuck all to do with that. I don't even know what's wrong with me. Everything going on in my head is wrong. I'm trying so hard not to think. Ever since Ewan buggered off i have kinda become facinated with Damian but mh ._. i'm trying so hard not to, you know? It's shit because i know if i let myself become wrapped up in my thoughts i'll try it on again. My mum seriously is a bitch though. Telling me i'm just putting on an act etc. She has no idea what it's like and i'm not going to even try and explain it when she's acting the way she is. How many people have to try NOT to think? Just to stay unsad ._. Ughh. Idk. I'm trying out something called MoodGYM atm. It's supposed to help. My doctor gave me the link so.
Tatty bye x

''Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus.''

The phrase in the logo at the front of every Harry Potter book. Yet I only just recently figured to find out what it meant. Basically it's Latin for ; ''Never tickle a sleeping dragon'' or as more people understand, ''Let sleeping dogs lie''. It doesn't /reaaallyyy/ have anything to do with what i'm blogging about but i like it so i thought i'd add it, ya know? Hm, so. My mum read all my texts on Thursday night when i was sleeping. And she nicely brought it up the following morning. Lol i'm practically banned from life. She was just having a go at me saying he's not interested in me, and if he was in anyone in this house it'd be her. I was like ''o__o''... Uh. I'm not allowed near him. I saw him coming down the path the other day so i like practically ran upstairs. >_< I really like him. It's shit. I don't want to like him. It's just everything about him. From his swagger to his talk. Ughh lulz. But maybe that Latin motto does count fer something. Maybe I should take this opportunity tae stay away for good and just.. let things roll. e_e...

i love you, all. Especially Morven. youu sexy scottish girl. :] even though you'll never read this. cause i don't link anyone to my blogs nemore. but mmh.

x

forbidden love

I haven't felt like this for a long time. Yearss, perhaps. Maybe it's because there's something attractive about impossible relationships. Wanting something you can't have..? All i know is that when i see him i get a sudden rush of butterflies to my stomach and i'm falling so fast. I dunno what to do though. The right thing would be to probably try and take my mind off him and concentrate on my boyfriend.. Easier than done, hm? Every waking hour i think about him. I dream about him. The worst thing? I don't think i regret it.. When we kissed i wish it'd have lasted longer. When i was in his arms i wish i'd had never had to pull away. But i did. And it didn't. Life is so weird. But we only live once (or so we know) so shouldn't we make the most of that? It's just. When he's looking into my eyes and i'm looking back, and then he smiles, he makes me smile more than just on the outside. He makes me feel funny head to toe. Everytime i see him i want each second to last forever. He's nothing special, though. Not really. He's not much of a looker. But i'm in love with him sooo fucking much. I just hope this doesn't all end in tears. Because they're always usually mine.

i never thought i'd be writing thissss.

i'm completely in love with you.
honest.
i never thought i'd say it, butttt.
i can't stop thinking about you.
i don't know what to do.
i know it can never happen between us.
but everytime i see you i could spend hours just looking at you.
you're perfect.
i've already stolen a kiss but i want so much more.
so much that i can't have.
><  i love youuuu.   i'm sorry x