Happiness

I'm beginning to doubt if it's even real anymore. You know, the feeling to be happy :| I haven't gone to college yet again. I went at lunch yesterday and i was all for it yesterday but today... no. My mum had another massive go at me this morning. She pure hates me. She thinks i'm not going because i cba'd and cause i can't concentrate on anything else but the gardener. o__o
She was like, ''Oh it's your feelings for the GARDENER, isn't it? Is he pulling at your heart strings so much that you can't concentrate on anything else?!''
I was so fucking angry. I'm sat there in tears. It's nothing to do with the fucking gardener i'm just like physically exhausted, and i don't even know why? I have bags under my eyes. I never get bags. O_o
I feel so shit. My mum's all telling me i'm gonna drop out of college because i drop out of everything and i'm going to end up like my dad. My dad who's been on benifits forever more, no job, no fucking get up and go.
I'm telling you though my motivation has gone. Well, no. I have motivation just no get up and go. I srsly felt like topping myself this morning. My mum thinks i'm like this just because i'm lazy. It's fuck all to do with that. I don't even know what's wrong with me. Everything going on in my head is wrong. I'm trying so hard not to think. Ever since Ewan buggered off i have kinda become facinated with Damian but mh ._. i'm trying so hard not to, you know? It's shit because i know if i let myself become wrapped up in my thoughts i'll try it on again. My mum seriously is a bitch though. Telling me i'm just putting on an act etc. She has no idea what it's like and i'm not going to even try and explain it when she's acting the way she is. How many people have to try NOT to think? Just to stay unsad ._. Ughh. Idk. I'm trying out something called MoodGYM atm. It's supposed to help. My doctor gave me the link so.
Tatty bye x