I love my boyfriend.

No. You don't understand. I really really do. Thinking back.. all the shit i've done. Uh. I don't deserve him. Lol i've thought i've been in love with people in the past but this is nothing compared. Eight months + with my guy and he's the world and so much more. He's made me realise i don't need those lowlifes in my life anymore. Like.. Ewan fae example. He's never going to email again. Idk if i care really. I've pretty much got over it. I thought he was always going to be there but he's not. Simple hm? And as fae the fucking gardener. Lol i hate even the mention of his name. I feel sick when i hear about him. That's done and dusted. Seriously Jordan is my worlddddddd. My fucking universe fo' sho'. :] Yeah we have our arguments. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

n_n

you're never too old for an advent

Caldender, i mean. Not the laptop. Advent laptops are shit. I only know cause Ryans got one.
Anyway, five days tae go! I cannae wait. I might be an adult now but i'm still in the Christmas spirit. Waking up early to presents under the tree. Well, on a chair. There's three of us and we each have our own present chair, if you must. I don't think i'll ever get bored of it. Not even when i'm 90. If i even get to 90. Hm. Idk if i'd ever want to be so old. And wrinkly, and like. Waiting to die? ._. I don't like the concept of plastic surgery either, i'd just want to make the most out of how i looked when i got older. Tbh, i wouldn't care if i just lived to 50, maybe that's just me being vain. I guess if i grow old and i have kids, and gran kids i'd want to stay alive to see them grow up.. Lol how depressing is all this. Ugh. My laptops going down Devon for repairs tomorrow so i'm not going to be online over Christmas :( faaail. Unless Mr delivery man doesn't come because of all the snow. Even though the roads are clear. So that'd be a bit shit of him. :]  lulz.. i might actually see Jordan tomorrow. I haven't seen him in agesss. Literally. Hm. I have a scrap book from WHSmiths that i'm going to fill with memories and so on. So he can keep in and look back at it when times get shit >_< ... which are usually my fault. And that's not me being modest, it's just the truth.
I haven't heard from Ewan, still. But then part of me knows i'm never going to. I haven't emailed him for a while either. Truth being i cba'd. If he'd have felt anything he'd have surely mailed by now? Idk. I just don't know. I always think i have it bad but tbh i actually don't. I have an amazing family who are always here for me. Well, my dad doesn't live with us and he doesn't really care too much either but i have my mum and my brothers, and of course Minstrel which is all i need. Not forgetting my abs brilliant boyfriend. :3 Ach. And then my friends. College friends, school friends... Internet friends. I love 'um all.
I've recently started playing on my Pokemon Yellow again. The graphics are complete shit but i never completed it when i was younger and it is really addictive. I'm just currently backing up all my files onto the family computer. It's taking agessss. But then i have millions of things. Well, songs mostly. Hmm, i think that's it really, fae now.

Merry Christmas, and all n_n  x

Life is so.. odd.

Isn't it weird how things change. And you don't notice, for ages. Then all of a sudden it hits you. Like someones thrown a brick at your head. Nothing's how it used to be. My ex-best friend has just had a baby. I only knew because of the pic ups on Facebook. I didn't even know she was pregnant. It's just weird because like, me and her used to be so close, you know? I'd be at her house 24/7. I'd tell her everything, anything. Then one time we just fell out. And i never really saw her after that. I mean, we made up and everything but just never really bothered getting in touch. >_< I don't know why it gets to me. Maybe because having a kids a big part of someones life, and i'm not in it anymore? It's so weird. I don't really even think about her anymore. She popped up on Msn the other day and tried to make conversation i think but i was in a cba'd mood so i didn't bother reciprocating. Hm. I miss how things used to be, but then everyone always feels like that at some point don't they? I don't think i really want to treck back a few years though and live through everything again. Cause you learn from life, right? Stuff happen, people move on. I just need to deal with it i guess.

That's it fae now, i think.                     x

8 days tae go!

We're aff to Medowhall on Saturday. Me, my mum, James, and Ryan that is.
I'll have like, almost sixty pounds? Lol all i need to really buy is

A pandora charm for my mum
Lots and lots of cards!
A big card fae Jordan
Some card from WHSmiths
Hair dye

And then there's going Christmas shopping fae what i want. Which is

A samsung tocco lite
CLOTHES. Hello republic.

That's it, i think. Oh god. I had a dream last night. Some of it was bizzare, like when Ed had this flying car/plane sort of thing? It was awesome. The dream was so vivid, you know? But. I ended up dreaming a bit about Damian. And i'm mad at myself for it. Cause i think i was a bit in love with him, you see. And i wake up and remember all the shit that happened and hate him all over again. Ugh. What is it with the male species, seriously? Sometimes, it might just be easier if i was gay..    v_v

Merry Christmas.

Childish Dreams

Why can't i go back to when i was a child. When all there was ever to cry over was a grazed knee. Why did i have to grow up so quickly. I'm 18 years old and my whole childhood has just suddenly ended. I miss the old days. The days where me and Mikala got stuck in Manchester at midnight. The days where i fell in love and believed i was going to live a happily ever after with my maths teacher. The days when i'd sneak downstairs in the middle of the night to go online because i didn't have a laptop. The days when i lived for playing on stupid Facebook apps, like Petville, and just winning races. The days where me, James, and Nathan spent three hours playing our own Harry Potter games. The days when i believed Santa was real. The days when i'd spend endless hours on the Sims 2. The days when i had no idea how to illegally download music, or had any interest in doing so. The days where me and James sat on the tree swing in the woods over the stream. The days when Minstrel was just a puppy and i'd wait until my mum had gone out to work then i'd sneak her upstairs. The days when how i looked or what i wore was irrelevant. The days when i had plastic lunchboxes with the Lion King and Harry Potter on. The days when i was too young to shave my legs. The days when i didn't have to take fluoxitine every day i woke up. The days when everyone had a gameboy colour and the original pokemon games. The days when the only tv i had was a small box in the corner of my room. The days when i had teddy bear wallpaper. The days when i'd sit with Lisa and let my hamsters roam wanderlessly around our laps. The days when i couldn't wait till the next sleepover. The days when i didn't even know what Eastenders was. The days when Pokemon cards were banned from school. The days when we'd sit on the pavement in battle with our beyblades. The days when Mikala had me convinced she was my guardian angel. The days when i'd struggle on Crash Bandicoot on the PS1. The days when we didn't even have a computer, let alone the internet. The days when we'd act out the Lion King on our street using Nik Naks as worms. The days when i'd chew on as much toffee as possible to get my baby teeth out. The days when i asked my mum if i could become a skater. The days when we'd go upto Lisa's attic to play on the Sims. The days when i'd sneak around the side of the chair at my babysitters to kiss Nathan. I just miss it. Everything.

I hate this shit.

Christmas is cancelled.

I was supposed to be doing my Christmas play this evening. I say Christmas play, but it was just some fucked up story about my mum chopping my little brothers head off and making my dad eat him. Whilst i screamed. Alot. Uh. But. I have ze flu :( i've had it since like fucking Saturday now. I cba'd. I cba'd with much, tbh. I want Ewan back. I know it's all i seem to go on about but i really do. I can't stand this no longer. If i hadn't had been so fucking paranoid i'd still have him. He was my best friend. My fucking everything. Yes, i'm swearing alot. Fuckity-fuckity-fucckkk. I think my mum's disappointed that i haven't gone to college and tried. I don't care. I think my boyfriends scared i'm going to cheat on him again.
.....
I'm a real mess.
I just need my best friend back.






Please? ._.

You tell me i'm amazing, but babe, i'm really, /really/ not.

I always used to have a go at people, if they had a partner and cheated on them. Yet now I'm in that situation I'm behaving no better? I kissed this guy at college. I don't even like him, not really. I didn't enjoy it. It was cold and.. yeah. And then Jordan was being really sweet the other day and i just broke down into tears because i felt so guilty. And i ended up telling him. Yet he was fine about it?? He said if it happened again he guessed we'd have to fall out for a bit. Lol. What kind of boyfriend acts like that? If it had been anyone else, I'd have been dumped, fo' sho'. But he told me i was all he wanted and he'd do anything to make this relationship work. So why aren't i? Why am i taking full advantage of the situation and pissing about behind his back? A few years ago I'd have given anything for a boyfriend and wouldn't even have dreamed of ever cheating on him. If Jordan so much looked at another girl I'd get upset. But it's okay for me to go around flirting with guys openly and letting it lead to something? He told me i was all he wanted. I just don't get it. He could do so much better than me, yet he doesn't want to? Is this what defines love then..? I just don't know anymore. I still haven't heard anything off Ewan. I don't think he cares, tbh. I don't think he ever did. All i was is some game to him, and he just created this delusional world around me where he built up my dreams to just let them go crashing down. I really hate life sometimes. Ugh. And then there's Geoff. Who Jordan /really/ hates. Like, really. And yet I'm flirting with him every night. You'd think i didn't want to be with Jordan. It's not that. Because i do, yeah? It's just.. I've been fucked around by so many guys i guess it's nice to feel in control for once? Lol that sounds so fucking pathetic, but yeah. The worst thing is, i know it'll all end in tears. My tears. If i carry on like this i will end up getting dumped and it will be too late. Maybe if i actually saw Jordan more than once a fortnight or summit i wouldn't be like this. I just dunno. I'm always lovestruck with somebody, but this time it should just be my boyfriend, i think.

This was supposed tae be our fairytale.

Why is it so fucking difficult tae move on from someone who was your everything?
Hm.. pretty much answered my own question there.
Lulz, what a shit day. I ended up emailing Ewan again. I just had tae.. You know?
Ohh. It's weird how you always think life's at it's worst but then times go by and it just gets gradually shitter. :) well fae me anyway. But hey ho. I have to live with it? Or summit... Aye. Hm. And then i get abuse on formspring fae apparantly fancying some guy in my college simply because i posted on his wall thing? Uh. I srsly cba'd. I really didn't want to get up and go to college today. But weirdly enough fresh air lifts my mood..? Maybe it's just because i haven't been taking my Prozac regularly. Again. Nothing new. This is all making fuck all sense too.. But it's a blog. My blog. Don't really have to make sense. It's not like anyone actually bothers reading this. It's just a way of letting all my shitty emotions out at summit. And then in a few months time i can look back and reflect on it all.
I think that's all. Fae now.. the title was really my main point. I thought me and E had a future, he was like, my prince >_<... I guess it just proves that no one gets everything right in life. Even when they're so damn sure of it... :|