you think you're awesome. you're shit.

I haven't blogged in ages. Just i kinda don't have the balls to write how i feel anymore. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic. Naw i'm not saying that to get sympathy even, i'm saying it cause it's true. I have a boyfriend yet i spend time on here blogging about other guys? That's why i haven't been on tbh. I don't want to blog about other guys.
I did Race for Life yesterday. 38 mins and just under 30 seconds. Meh. I feel ashamed because i didn't beat my last score. And last time i was running for Ewan. And i can't beat his fucking score for my own nan and my best mate. I felt so so shit when i realised. lol Ewan wasn't even fucking real fae gods sakeeeeeee.
I did my first proper performance at college the other day. Success by Nick Drake. I was Kid, i was pushed around in a trolley all the time. I was a freak who knew everything about everyone. I kinda wish i was like that. I wouldn't mind. Knowing. But then maybe life would be boring. I just dunnoooo.... help me? >_< x

I'm so fucking confused. Lol he told me that he likes me like that. And that he would if he could. Take me to bed that is. And i cannae mention who /he/ is for various reasons. Ugh. This is so shit. Why does he have a girlfriend ._. why am /i/ such a bad girlfriend? My heads just everywhere atm.

.__________.

So I open my email inbox.
And there is is.
An email from Ewan.
My heart's going at like 90 x the speed it should.
I open it.


...It's a link to a virus.

I have a job. Just sayin'

Yep. I have a job. A job xD!
Work up this morning, went on DirectGov <- best job site ever, tbh.
Job ad going fae Sales Assisant at Card Factory.
Well, blates i got it. I start next Friday.
Lol it's so weird, i've /never/ had a job.. Yet here i am, employed fae the first time n_n
mm. Met Jordan in town aswell. We went for a hot chocolate, reminissed old times a bit.
I pure love that boyyy. <3

''Your hair is very hairy.''

Haw Haw Haw. I'm going tae write a book. At some point. When i can be fecking arseddd. Uh. Didn't go to college today. I woke up and felt like i hadn't slept sinceeee.. well years, tbh. Idk. I'm going to have to take a trip to the doctors at some point. Lol i feel so shit lately. Last night my mum told me (yet again, and fae no reason) that she didn't want me about when 'you know who' comes to collect /my/ dog. She made me feel like a centermetre tall. I wanted to cry. I don't give a toss about him, at all. I have Jordan. And i love Jordan. With all my heart.
<3

yana yatsu

I hate you. I hate everything about you. From your stupid hats. To your fucked up face.
Worst thing is, i don't hate you at all.   .__.
Gah. I just had to ring Kala up to calm me down because i was in tears >_<.
So, i got pissed earlier and hugged Damian again. And then like not so long ago i stole his number just to text him saying sorry about earlier, etc. And he replied with something like ''Good girl. Find yourself a nice fella. I luv u dog pronto. end ov''  So i was like, erhi have one but okay, no need to be so patronising, are you going tae tell my mum? And he just replied saying ''Good girl. Go get em'' so i rang him up. And he sounded fucked. I was like ''are you drunk'' and he was like ''i'm fucking hammered, you'll have to be quick she's upstairs.'' i was like ''who is?'' and he said ''my girlfriend.''
I just felt my heart drop. Like a stone. A fucking anchor. Uh. Well. He said he's not going to tell my mum anyway. And said that i'd be alright. Etc. Fucking. Patronising git. I'm 18. Eighteeeeeeeen. I'm not five. Good girl good girl good girl, fucking hell.
Srsly though i just. hung up and cried. |: ergh i hate men. seriously. I wish he didn't come for the dog every day. Then i wouldn't have to see him. He's such a bastard. He's all different when we're face to face but through text he's like oh no forget about me, kinda thing. >_<
I should focus on Jordan ._. I just can'tttt think atm.
I think i've probably got bipolar. That's what Kalaaaa said. But i think she's right. And i'm gonna like keep all these blogs so in years to come i can look back and see what kinda messed up kid i was.  Pfh.
Oh and. Link to my old blogz which fer some reason i can't get on anymore? but yeah. all part of my childhood.
All importantttt.
http://www.blogger.com/profile/13517154734986843017

Take my hand, we'll hide in the corner, take my hand, we'll hide till it's over.

And then i see him again and my heart goes about a thousand times faster. >_<

I wish i didn't feel this way. Everytime he smiles at me i feel like the only girl alive. ._.

Happiness

I'm beginning to doubt if it's even real anymore. You know, the feeling to be happy :| I haven't gone to college yet again. I went at lunch yesterday and i was all for it yesterday but today... no. My mum had another massive go at me this morning. She pure hates me. She thinks i'm not going because i cba'd and cause i can't concentrate on anything else but the gardener. o__o
She was like, ''Oh it's your feelings for the GARDENER, isn't it? Is he pulling at your heart strings so much that you can't concentrate on anything else?!''
I was so fucking angry. I'm sat there in tears. It's nothing to do with the fucking gardener i'm just like physically exhausted, and i don't even know why? I have bags under my eyes. I never get bags. O_o
I feel so shit. My mum's all telling me i'm gonna drop out of college because i drop out of everything and i'm going to end up like my dad. My dad who's been on benifits forever more, no job, no fucking get up and go.
I'm telling you though my motivation has gone. Well, no. I have motivation just no get up and go. I srsly felt like topping myself this morning. My mum thinks i'm like this just because i'm lazy. It's fuck all to do with that. I don't even know what's wrong with me. Everything going on in my head is wrong. I'm trying so hard not to think. Ever since Ewan buggered off i have kinda become facinated with Damian but mh ._. i'm trying so hard not to, you know? It's shit because i know if i let myself become wrapped up in my thoughts i'll try it on again. My mum seriously is a bitch though. Telling me i'm just putting on an act etc. She has no idea what it's like and i'm not going to even try and explain it when she's acting the way she is. How many people have to try NOT to think? Just to stay unsad ._. Ughh. Idk. I'm trying out something called MoodGYM atm. It's supposed to help. My doctor gave me the link so.
Tatty bye x

''Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus.''

The phrase in the logo at the front of every Harry Potter book. Yet I only just recently figured to find out what it meant. Basically it's Latin for ; ''Never tickle a sleeping dragon'' or as more people understand, ''Let sleeping dogs lie''. It doesn't /reaaallyyy/ have anything to do with what i'm blogging about but i like it so i thought i'd add it, ya know? Hm, so. My mum read all my texts on Thursday night when i was sleeping. And she nicely brought it up the following morning. Lol i'm practically banned from life. She was just having a go at me saying he's not interested in me, and if he was in anyone in this house it'd be her. I was like ''o__o''... Uh. I'm not allowed near him. I saw him coming down the path the other day so i like practically ran upstairs. >_< I really like him. It's shit. I don't want to like him. It's just everything about him. From his swagger to his talk. Ughh lulz. But maybe that Latin motto does count fer something. Maybe I should take this opportunity tae stay away for good and just.. let things roll. e_e...

i love you, all. Especially Morven. youu sexy scottish girl. :] even though you'll never read this. cause i don't link anyone to my blogs nemore. but mmh.

x

forbidden love

I haven't felt like this for a long time. Yearss, perhaps. Maybe it's because there's something attractive about impossible relationships. Wanting something you can't have..? All i know is that when i see him i get a sudden rush of butterflies to my stomach and i'm falling so fast. I dunno what to do though. The right thing would be to probably try and take my mind off him and concentrate on my boyfriend.. Easier than done, hm? Every waking hour i think about him. I dream about him. The worst thing? I don't think i regret it.. When we kissed i wish it'd have lasted longer. When i was in his arms i wish i'd had never had to pull away. But i did. And it didn't. Life is so weird. But we only live once (or so we know) so shouldn't we make the most of that? It's just. When he's looking into my eyes and i'm looking back, and then he smiles, he makes me smile more than just on the outside. He makes me feel funny head to toe. Everytime i see him i want each second to last forever. He's nothing special, though. Not really. He's not much of a looker. But i'm in love with him sooo fucking much. I just hope this doesn't all end in tears. Because they're always usually mine.

i never thought i'd be writing thissss.

i'm completely in love with you.
honest.
i never thought i'd say it, butttt.
i can't stop thinking about you.
i don't know what to do.
i know it can never happen between us.
but everytime i see you i could spend hours just looking at you.
you're perfect.
i've already stolen a kiss but i want so much more.
so much that i can't have.
><  i love youuuu.   i'm sorry x