You tell me i'm amazing, but babe, i'm really, /really/ not.

I always used to have a go at people, if they had a partner and cheated on them. Yet now I'm in that situation I'm behaving no better? I kissed this guy at college. I don't even like him, not really. I didn't enjoy it. It was cold and.. yeah. And then Jordan was being really sweet the other day and i just broke down into tears because i felt so guilty. And i ended up telling him. Yet he was fine about it?? He said if it happened again he guessed we'd have to fall out for a bit. Lol. What kind of boyfriend acts like that? If it had been anyone else, I'd have been dumped, fo' sho'. But he told me i was all he wanted and he'd do anything to make this relationship work. So why aren't i? Why am i taking full advantage of the situation and pissing about behind his back? A few years ago I'd have given anything for a boyfriend and wouldn't even have dreamed of ever cheating on him. If Jordan so much looked at another girl I'd get upset. But it's okay for me to go around flirting with guys openly and letting it lead to something? He told me i was all he wanted. I just don't get it. He could do so much better than me, yet he doesn't want to? Is this what defines love then..? I just don't know anymore. I still haven't heard anything off Ewan. I don't think he cares, tbh. I don't think he ever did. All i was is some game to him, and he just created this delusional world around me where he built up my dreams to just let them go crashing down. I really hate life sometimes. Ugh. And then there's Geoff. Who Jordan /really/ hates. Like, really. And yet I'm flirting with him every night. You'd think i didn't want to be with Jordan. It's not that. Because i do, yeah? It's just.. I've been fucked around by so many guys i guess it's nice to feel in control for once? Lol that sounds so fucking pathetic, but yeah. The worst thing is, i know it'll all end in tears. My tears. If i carry on like this i will end up getting dumped and it will be too late. Maybe if i actually saw Jordan more than once a fortnight or summit i wouldn't be like this. I just dunno. I'm always lovestruck with somebody, but this time it should just be my boyfriend, i think.